tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
