in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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