Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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