i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I love having hate sex.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
