Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
