I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize