Got a toothbrush?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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