mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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