I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
