Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
