He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize