Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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