We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
