I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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