Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
