So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
