having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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