Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
