for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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