i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
