My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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