it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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