Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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