Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
