I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He shit in the fireplace
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
