just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
