You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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