there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
