I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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