So drunk, too bad you don't want this
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
