The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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