Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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