Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
