Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
