there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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