I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize