I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
