Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
