My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
