i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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