I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
