yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
