Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
