I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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