oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
