Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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