absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Someone shit on the floor
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
