I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize