so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
