You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize