dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
