i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
