My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
