I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize