i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
