new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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