just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
