Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
