Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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