I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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