No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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