I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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